This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Air travel should be one of the most amazing achievements in human history. But now, jokes about airline human rights violations have replaced jokes about airline food, and that’s only the beginning. From underpaid TSA agents rolling their eyes at your every word to overbooked flights to the kind of minuscule leg room that forces your knees into your torso, flying is a hassle from start to finish.
Fortunately, there’s a whole world of consumer goods designed to make air travel feel slightly less heinous. Take a look:
Aluminum Fidget Spinner
The thought of barreling through the sky at 500 mph is enough to make people want to reach for a parachute before they even take off. Of course, flying is a statistically much safer experience than just about anything else you could do, but try telling that to your dumb human brain when the floating metal tube you’re sitting in starts rocking back and forth. This small, weighted spinning toy helps calm your nerves by giving your hand something to do during turbulence besides gripping the armrests for dear life. Grab a Fidget Spinner here for $12.99.
LithiumCard Wallet Portable Charger
The mobile computing revolution has juiced up our in-flight entertainment, letting us choose from any number of terrible Transformers movies to watch, rather than just the one the plane gives us (Please, not Revenge Of The Fallen. Please not Revenge Of The Fallen.) But forgetting to charge up your phone in the frenzy of packing can either mean several hours of staring at a blank screen or being forced to endure the ceaseless schemes of Megatron. To ensure that never happens, keep this portable phone charger in your wallet. It charges devices in a jiffy and is no thicker than a stack of credit cards. Get the LithiumCard charger here for $20.
A balled-up sweater will never make a good pillow, no matter how carefully you arrange the sleeves. This Ostrich Pillow slips over your head to give you some pleasant neck padding without constant readjustment. And for red-eye flights, it can act as a sun-blocking face mask, thanks to the adjustable drawstring. And if you’re seven, you can put it on your wrist and make a sweet Mega Man hand cannon. It’s a Swiss army knife of comfort. You can pick up an Ostrich Pillow for $39.
TUO: The Ultimate Travel Organizer
Shoving all of your favorite T-shirts into a backpack might have seemed like magic to the other kids at scout camp, but it’s not going to cut it when you have to manage an adult-sized load of toiletries, cosmetics, and delicate garments. This travel organizer unfolds to help you keep track of all of your tiny product bottles and underwear. Mom is going to be so proud. Grab the TUO here for $44.50.
Nomad Ultra Rugged Charging Cables
While you might be able to snag one of the four seats underneath the device charging station at your gate, it won’t do you much good if all you have is an old, fraying cable that only delivers power when you hold it at the right angle and utter chants to ancient Sumerian gods. These Nomad cables are wrapped in tear-resistant PVC with a Kevlar core to ensure your phone’s battery will always be able to get a refill, no matter how rugged your journey. Pick one up here for $29.95.
iFlask Ultimate Kit
What could be more essential than a smartphone on a 14-hour transatlantic flight? A smartphone filled with hooch, that’s what. This i-facsimile can hold up to five shots of booze, so you can enjoy your flight with the utmost discretion. It also includes a collapsible shot glass, meaning making friends with the person next to you is going to get a whole lot easier. Get the iFlask for $21.95.
My Bag Buddy Expandable Carry On Bag
Whether you’re flying to China or Myrtle Beach, your pals are going to want souvenirs. However, making room for all of your stuff along with novelty hermit crab houses that look like full bikinis can be nearly impossible. This packable carry-on expands, allowing you to take home whatever foreign tchotchkes your friends want without having to sacrifice precious cargo on the flight over. You can get the My Bag Buddy Expandable Carry On Bag here for $28.99.
Zendure 40W Max A-Series Four-Port USB Travel Wall Charger
You’d imagine that there would be one plug to rule them all when it comes to getting electricity, but along with being full of different cultures, the world is full of different wall outlets. This Zendure travel charger gives you four USB ports with UK and EU adapters, letting you maintain compatibility with all of those weird foreign sockets. Pick one up for $32.95.
A-Audio Legacy Noise-Cancelling Headphones with Three-Stage Technology
Crying babies, loud conversations, and cheeky pop-culture-laden safety videos can all be silenced with some solid headphones. These cans from A-Audio go beyond passive over-ear sound containment with active noise-cancelling and bass-boosting modes. And they even come with a dual jack to let you share music with a friend. Your cup now runneth over in airplane friend-making tools, so if you still can’t find a seat buddy, maybe it’s time to start looking inward. Get a pair of A-Audio Legacy Noise-Cancelling Headphones for $79.99.
Nut Mini Tracker
So you’re leaving your hotel for the first time to check out the city you just landed in. You might go see the sights, or you might quickly buy a sandwich and pass out on the queen-sized in your room. Either is okay. But wait! Where’s your phone? Where’s your wallet? You’ll need those if you expect Operation: Reuben to go as planned. With the Nut Mini Tracker, you’ll never have to worry about any of this ever again, as it keeps track of everything you’ll need to procure that tasty sandwich and get back to your room safely. Pick up one of these tiny trackers for $14.99.
You’ll need some comfy clothes before you soar through skies like Tesla: God of Thunder. Like this Owls Are Stupid shirt, so you can lord your powers of flight over these intellectually inferior creatures.
For more ways to channel your inner Kerouac check out 10 Things That Will Help Make Traveling Suck Less.